Friday, November 28, 2008

New Year's Resolution

«I was broke
I was tired now I'm [bound]
My head is off the ground
For a long time I was so weary
Time will decide, but before
No one loves the nighttime at the door
[Hope she] finds things I've [deemed]
Something between the burning light and the dusty shade

Said I used to think the past was dead and gone
But I was wrong, so wrong
Whatever makes a [---] makes you strong, makes you strong
And by time I'm melting into many forms
From the day that I was born
And I know that there is no place to hide
Something between the burning shade and the faded light

And I was broken for a long time
But it's over now
Said I was broken for a long time
But it's over now
Said I was broken for a long time
But it's over now

Yes you, yeah you walk these lonely streets and people stare
People stare
Now some fool just got [near]
And I do pretend
Now I'm free from all the things that saved my friends
And I was [debted] to the end
Now I know I can change the mood
Something between the burning shade and the faded light

And I was broken for a long time
But it's over now, it's over now
Mm it's over now, now, now
It's over now, it's over now.
It's over now, now, now.»

- I was broken, Robert Pattinson

Thursday, November 27, 2008

old habits die hard. fuck, i hate clichés.

Jumping from one addiction to another. Food is a given. Cigarettes. Alcohol. Television. Drugs. Oddly enough, human contact never stuck. Why is that? Obssessive. Systematic. Anything compulsive that gives the illusion of continuity. Sure, i can scrutinize over whether "x" or "y" likes me as well as the next person but there is nothing i tire so easily of as potential long-term company. A rather unfair exception to my inherent life-code. I'd trade my talent for bingeing any day to feel passionate about another human being. If only it were that simple. Here; take my cigarettes, give me romance. It could be argued that i sabotage any situation that could be considered healthy, if only to maintain a plausible excuse for not getting on with my life. I feel old. Surely, i shouldn't feel this old. I postponed emotional maturity in detriment of the intellectual variety. Post-mental breakdown i am perplexed by the former and incapable of the latter. I missed the window. Stopping to enjoy life's necessary futility was too high a price to pay. I didn't need beauty or popularity or crushes, i was on my way to academic superiority. If it turns out i wasn't meant for that either, i'm not quite sure what i'm left with. The only relevant concern is, of course, personal defeat. Who will have me when i won't even have myself? I refuse to believe i just haven't met anyone i could fall head over heels for in the last 5 years, you were there, i was simply too busy striving for world domination. Honourable motives perhaps, but such a sad story to witness. I wonder if i could've been stopped. If anyone realised i was headed for uncontrollable caos. Ah. There's the irony. I was looking for you. For someone so intent on controlling everything, i certainly let my every move control me. I can see it happening all over again. Taking a step back, running away and putting everything on hold to fix something i can't quite decipher, getting caught up in the satisfactory progress, allowing myself the belief that i am in fact on the right path, not knowing when to quit and watching the finish line grow distant behind me and oh so suddenly, like i hadn't been ignoring my conscious ever so swiftly the whole time, i am breaking again and i'm right back where i started. They say third time's the charm.. i know what i'm doing, transparently, painfully so. Yet i can't bring myself to admit it, should someone try to stop me. So i let out these tiny cryptic cries, i hint at my desperation in the hopes of finding the one soul that has figured out how to deal. Like the phoenix, my ascent from the ashes is the beginning of my downfall. Another addiction, i suppose. Intent on crushing every last piece of my wanning soul until i bring about its stubborn death. Finally defying my childish conviction of immortality. Maybe then i will get my peace. Pity it'll be too late.

No one is more exhausted and bored of my persisting self-deprecation than myself, i promise. I find hope in provoking any kind of reaction, one of these days it'll be my turn to wake up and realise what i have to do. My endurance is my worst enemy. I hold my breath every morning for the provocative "I can't take it anymore". Trouble is.. I can. Relentlessly. I no longer remember the relief when suffering takes a break - it doesn't - so i am immune. Stuck in limbo between life and death and too familiar with it to be pushed one way or the other. The only choice i have is to be entertained by my own bleak outlook. The girl whose glass can never be half-full. Better to just knock it over and use the shards as weapons.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I lose myself to illusion. I only hear my version of anything said. One small gesture of kindness is a gigantic love affair. Don't touch me, i might evaporate. I have trouble separating fantasy from reality. Or maybe i just don't want to. Its better in my head.
There is no dissapointment in my world. Everyone is beautiful, even me. Its always raining, satin drops. Escalators take you anywhere you want to go. Dancing is better than sex. Your dream is your truth. You can go back and do it again, as many times as you want, in any way you want. There is no word for 'mistake' or 'regret' or 'guilt'. Memories never fade. You won't forget a voice or taste or song. You are nothing and everything simultaneously. An olympic gymnast, a nobel laureate, a musician, a child. You can invite anyone. There is no awkwardness, no insecurity. The perfect soundtrack plays in the background. You feel only what you want, with whom you want. Its never boring. Its not hard. Its enough.
Strangers make for the best lovers. Platonic love is all i know.
I was sitting quietly. Thinking. Breathing. Keeping to myself. You had no business coming in. I have always been alone, i understand solitude and it understands me. I chose safety. Now my heart is breaking and i never knew love. Take your hand off my chest. Please. Its heavy. You weigh on me. 877,752 minutes since you didn't stop to think. I was so sure you were real. I could touch you and feel you and taste your smooth skin. I blinked in the sunlight and you were gone. Come back. If only to collect the mess you made of my sanity. I can't remember the last time you kissed me. I hate that. The bitterness endures long after the fondness has died. I want revenge. No i don't. I want to forget. There wasn't enough time. You didn't give me time. I needed time. I built the wall. I can't rememeber the details anymore. Did you try to pull it down? It was my fault. It was your fault. I can't decide. Someone has to be to blame. It has to make sense. It feels like it will never go away. Stop me. Deliver me from my punishment. You are the weakness in me. I sleep to escape your absence. The least you could do is stay out of my dreams. If you're gone, be gone. But i am still here. You know where to find me and you won't. As long as you don't care i will. I was never wanted that way. Before you. I never wanted that way. Before you. I am naked. I am trapped. The cracks keep opening no matter how hard i glue. I've lost my voice, my passion, my talent and still you rip me up. My words are empty. My best is still my worst. I talk to the ghost of a dead man i almost loved. I am tired of carrying your rejection in my throat. Exhausted.

Repeat after me: "I could probably survive without you but i don't want to. I want you. No one else will do."

I hate everything i have to say. I have nothing to say. Profoundly uninspired. I am broken. I am fake. You are nothing more than the perception i have of you. Which i bend to my satisfaction. I am unsatisfied. Dissatisfied. Shoot to aim. I will forgive you.I always do. Look into the mirror and find that its glass. I am not on the other side. If you wait too long you dissapear. No more love stories. Hope is for romantics. Faith is for the weak. Invincible is not impermeable. Melt my cold cold heart with words of truth. You don't miss me. You mourn the loss of a salvageable soul. There is only winter here. Hungry for illusion. Pick a fight. Pick me. I only wanted you to see me. You looked away. You couldn't bare the ugliness. It makes too much sense. You were ordinary after all.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

«Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind

Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?»

- Skinny love, Bon Iver

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

yes, i just spent the last two hours reading about virginity/sexrelated topics online.

I don't know if its human beings in general or women or just plain me but i have a very accute tendency to self-analyse and feel the need to pin-point the exact reason(s) why i am or am not able to do something or other. It seems obvious to me that understanding your barriers or lack-of can help solve the problem. In all honesty, in my years of obssessive self-scrutiny and introspection, even when accompanied by a professional, i've never really felt like i could deal with a particular issue more easily after i dissected and understood it but it is a general consensus that "bottling up" and ignoring your way through life is unhealthy so i keep at it.
I started this search, not for scientific explanations, but to find out what kind of questions people have and how or why they are inclined to talk about them or seek advice. I, of course, have questions of my own but am not the type to disclose my insecurities/doubts in that department. This is in no way because i feel i am somehow superior or having nothing to learn, merely that i find the subject of sex on the whole to be awkward and embarassing and the kind of thing i'd just rather not talk about at all. Which i guess says alot about me. So while browsing the internet and amidst some horrifying stories/confessions ranging from insanely young people having sex to some (and i apologise if i sound pretentious) incredibly stupid questions - seriously, its the 21st century, it is an affront on humanity to be that disinformed - i found something else. A woman posted her concerns on a website, searching for advice and no doubt needing someone to talk to. I found it heartbreaking and touching and (maybe a little selfishly) a relief that a random stranger shared some of my thoughts and experiences.
So here it is:

« I recently turned 24 and I have never been in a real relationship. I am in love with my best friend, with whom I have had a very interesting and painful 4 year friendship. He took my virginity at the age of 21, and he is one of 2.5 guys I have slept with; he is the only one I have hooked up with more than a couple times. He has cheated on two different girl friends with me, and he tells me he loves me but he has always been very clear that he will never be in a relationship with me. I have asked him a couple of times why. After a lot of beginning, he finally gave me list of everything that is physically and mentally wrong with me.

He likes petite girls, as do most guys. I am tall (for a woman) and big. I weigh over 200 pounds, though I carry it well. I do not have a pretty face, though I would not call it ugly. It is also not particularly interesting. He told me that even though I have a good personality, I am not physically attractive enough for him to ever be with me. Mainly, I am too fat, my hips are too big and my face is just not attractive. I have felt the same way about my appearance for a long time; and while I am doing everything I can to lose weight, it just doesn't seem to work. I have been starving myself this week, and I have gotten to the point where I just don't feel hungry anymore at all. That and if I do eat, no matter what it is, I feel incredibly guilty and start to cry. I feel ashamed that I am so overweight, even though I am proportionate, and I feel like I am just insufficient when compared to other women in my age group.

I also started scheduling consultations with plastic surgeons. While I am not wealthy, I am willing to go in debt over my looks. Specifically, I want to get face, chin and neck liposuction so that I no longer have a fat/ugly face. I feel like I am obsessed over my appearance, but it is because I am sick of seeing the man I love hooking up with all of these beautiful women while I just sit and wait and cry. I have no respect for myself, and my self-hatred has caused me to be hateful towards other fat or ugly people.

It is consuming me, and I feel myself spiraling downwards. I feel that as a woman I should look a certain way, but that no matter what I do I will be big. I am convinced that if my appearance does not change, no man will ever want to be with me. Even the good guys don't want to date an ugly girl. I don't feel feminine at all. I suppose what I want more than anything is advice. I like who I am as a person, but I no longer feel like I am separate from my body. What I look like is more important to others than who I am or what I have done. I have even thought of suicide because I feel trapped in this horrible body with this horrible face. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what is right. The only thing I do know is that I do not want to lose my friend, and that I wish he could see past my severely flawed physical shell. Please help me. »

I was going to add my own commentary but those who know me well enough know what went through my head reading this and those who don't are quite frankly lucky. My point is i think this testimony clarifies ruthlessly that the reasons for not having sex can be a lot more than «What are you, some sort of religious fanatic?» or «Are you one of those freaks who doesn't feel sexual attraction?».

(I apologise if what i have written is in any way offensive but inappropriate comments will not be tolerated.)

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

what you feel only matters to you.

«Oh doubt in the girl by your side
She’s feeding your pride
As you go for a ride down the star mile

Worlds arise as she lets you come in
A duo begins
To the Hollywood din of lonely

And all the gold dust in her eyes won’t reform into rain
You had and lost the one thing
You kept in a safe place
Remember the face
Of the girl who made you her own
And how you left her alone

All’s well at the base of the hill
You might need to fill
a prescription to kill off the silence.

Look down from your tower on high and take in the night
Look her right in the eye
She’ll listen

Life comes to those that are true
The regular news
Over playing the blues with the light on

And if you burn the road that’ll lead you back to her in time
I'll watch you turn to stone
Can’t find the sublime

She’s moving on without you
The tide breaks
You watch the stars fade
They gather you back to their home
I guess it’s better than being alone»

- Star mile, Joshua radin

Everyone makes mistakes. If you keep telling yourself that maybe it'll make things better. It won't. It's your mistakes you can't forgive. It's your loss. It's your fault. You weren't good enough. If you'd somehow done it differently. But no. You didn't. And you can't go back. And now it's just you alone and the music. Using other peoples' words to mirror your sorrow. Everyone has secrets. Not you. You have no mystery left. Only faithless projections of a utopic future. And the music. No sleep will rid you of how tired you feel. You're gone. When the memories go so do you. You lie and you deceive and it works on everyone but you. You don't know what to say anymore. You have no words left. The music too is fading.