yes, i just spent the last two hours reading about virginity/sexrelated topics online.
I don't know if its human beings in general or women or just plain me but i have a very accute tendency to self-analyse and feel the need to pin-point the exact reason(s) why i am or am not able to do something or other. It seems obvious to me that understanding your barriers or lack-of can help solve the problem. In all honesty, in my years of obssessive self-scrutiny and introspection, even when accompanied by a professional, i've never really felt like i could deal with a particular issue more easily after i dissected and understood it but it is a general consensus that "bottling up" and ignoring your way through life is unhealthy so i keep at it.
I started this search, not for scientific explanations, but to find out what kind of questions people have and how or why they are inclined to talk about them or seek advice. I, of course, have questions of my own but am not the type to disclose my insecurities/doubts in that department. This is in no way because i feel i am somehow superior or having nothing to learn, merely that i find the subject of sex on the whole to be awkward and embarassing and the kind of thing i'd just rather not talk about at all. Which i guess says alot about me. So while browsing the internet and amidst some horrifying stories/confessions ranging from insanely young people having sex to some (and i apologise if i sound pretentious) incredibly stupid questions - seriously, its the 21st century, it is an affront on humanity to be that disinformed - i found something else. A woman posted her concerns on a website, searching for advice and no doubt needing someone to talk to. I found it heartbreaking and touching and (maybe a little selfishly) a relief that a random stranger shared some of my thoughts and experiences.
So here it is:
« I recently turned 24 and I have never been in a real relationship. I am in love with my best friend, with whom I have had a very interesting and painful 4 year friendship. He took my virginity at the age of 21, and he is one of 2.5 guys I have slept with; he is the only one I have hooked up with more than a couple times. He has cheated on two different girl friends with me, and he tells me he loves me but he has always been very clear that he will never be in a relationship with me. I have asked him a couple of times why. After a lot of beginning, he finally gave me list of everything that is physically and mentally wrong with me.
He likes petite girls, as do most guys. I am tall (for a woman) and big. I weigh over 200 pounds, though I carry it well. I do not have a pretty face, though I would not call it ugly. It is also not particularly interesting. He told me that even though I have a good personality, I am not physically attractive enough for him to ever be with me. Mainly, I am too fat, my hips are too big and my face is just not attractive. I have felt the same way about my appearance for a long time; and while I am doing everything I can to lose weight, it just doesn't seem to work. I have been starving myself this week, and I have gotten to the point where I just don't feel hungry anymore at all. That and if I do eat, no matter what it is, I feel incredibly guilty and start to cry. I feel ashamed that I am so overweight, even though I am proportionate, and I feel like I am just insufficient when compared to other women in my age group.
I also started scheduling consultations with plastic surgeons. While I am not wealthy, I am willing to go in debt over my looks. Specifically, I want to get face, chin and neck liposuction so that I no longer have a fat/ugly face. I feel like I am obsessed over my appearance, but it is because I am sick of seeing the man I love hooking up with all of these beautiful women while I just sit and wait and cry. I have no respect for myself, and my self-hatred has caused me to be hateful towards other fat or ugly people.
It is consuming me, and I feel myself spiraling downwards. I feel that as a woman I should look a certain way, but that no matter what I do I will be big. I am convinced that if my appearance does not change, no man will ever want to be with me. Even the good guys don't want to date an ugly girl. I don't feel feminine at all. I suppose what I want more than anything is advice. I like who I am as a person, but I no longer feel like I am separate from my body. What I look like is more important to others than who I am or what I have done. I have even thought of suicide because I feel trapped in this horrible body with this horrible face. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what is right. The only thing I do know is that I do not want to lose my friend, and that I wish he could see past my severely flawed physical shell. Please help me. »
I was going to add my own commentary but those who know me well enough know what went through my head reading this and those who don't are quite frankly lucky. My point is i think this testimony clarifies ruthlessly that the reasons for not having sex can be a lot more than «What are you, some sort of religious fanatic?» or «Are you one of those freaks who doesn't feel sexual attraction?».
(I apologise if what i have written is in any way offensive but inappropriate comments will not be tolerated.)
I started this search, not for scientific explanations, but to find out what kind of questions people have and how or why they are inclined to talk about them or seek advice. I, of course, have questions of my own but am not the type to disclose my insecurities/doubts in that department. This is in no way because i feel i am somehow superior or having nothing to learn, merely that i find the subject of sex on the whole to be awkward and embarassing and the kind of thing i'd just rather not talk about at all. Which i guess says alot about me. So while browsing the internet and amidst some horrifying stories/confessions ranging from insanely young people having sex to some (and i apologise if i sound pretentious) incredibly stupid questions - seriously, its the 21st century, it is an affront on humanity to be that disinformed - i found something else. A woman posted her concerns on a website, searching for advice and no doubt needing someone to talk to. I found it heartbreaking and touching and (maybe a little selfishly) a relief that a random stranger shared some of my thoughts and experiences.
So here it is:
« I recently turned 24 and I have never been in a real relationship. I am in love with my best friend, with whom I have had a very interesting and painful 4 year friendship. He took my virginity at the age of 21, and he is one of 2.5 guys I have slept with; he is the only one I have hooked up with more than a couple times. He has cheated on two different girl friends with me, and he tells me he loves me but he has always been very clear that he will never be in a relationship with me. I have asked him a couple of times why. After a lot of beginning, he finally gave me list of everything that is physically and mentally wrong with me.
He likes petite girls, as do most guys. I am tall (for a woman) and big. I weigh over 200 pounds, though I carry it well. I do not have a pretty face, though I would not call it ugly. It is also not particularly interesting. He told me that even though I have a good personality, I am not physically attractive enough for him to ever be with me. Mainly, I am too fat, my hips are too big and my face is just not attractive. I have felt the same way about my appearance for a long time; and while I am doing everything I can to lose weight, it just doesn't seem to work. I have been starving myself this week, and I have gotten to the point where I just don't feel hungry anymore at all. That and if I do eat, no matter what it is, I feel incredibly guilty and start to cry. I feel ashamed that I am so overweight, even though I am proportionate, and I feel like I am just insufficient when compared to other women in my age group.
I also started scheduling consultations with plastic surgeons. While I am not wealthy, I am willing to go in debt over my looks. Specifically, I want to get face, chin and neck liposuction so that I no longer have a fat/ugly face. I feel like I am obsessed over my appearance, but it is because I am sick of seeing the man I love hooking up with all of these beautiful women while I just sit and wait and cry. I have no respect for myself, and my self-hatred has caused me to be hateful towards other fat or ugly people.
It is consuming me, and I feel myself spiraling downwards. I feel that as a woman I should look a certain way, but that no matter what I do I will be big. I am convinced that if my appearance does not change, no man will ever want to be with me. Even the good guys don't want to date an ugly girl. I don't feel feminine at all. I suppose what I want more than anything is advice. I like who I am as a person, but I no longer feel like I am separate from my body. What I look like is more important to others than who I am or what I have done. I have even thought of suicide because I feel trapped in this horrible body with this horrible face. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know what is right. The only thing I do know is that I do not want to lose my friend, and that I wish he could see past my severely flawed physical shell. Please help me. »
I was going to add my own commentary but those who know me well enough know what went through my head reading this and those who don't are quite frankly lucky. My point is i think this testimony clarifies ruthlessly that the reasons for not having sex can be a lot more than «What are you, some sort of religious fanatic?» or «Are you one of those freaks who doesn't feel sexual attraction?».
(I apologise if what i have written is in any way offensive but inappropriate comments will not be tolerated.)
posted by tin tin at 1:15 PM
2 Comments:
beijo
Cheguei a este blog por acaso. O acaso é uma palavra diversas vezes mal empregue, mas, de facto, foi por acaso. O nitido "carreguei-neste-link-porque-nao-carreguei-no-outro". Escrevo-te (quase tudo) em português porque sei bem o que é podermo-nos defender utilizando uma lingua estrangeira.
Disse a personagem principal de "Catcher in the Rye" de JD Salinger: "I thought i'd do was: I'd pretend I was one of those deaf mutes". Sei, também, que se nao tiver nada mais importante para dizer do que o silêncio, nao o farei. Neste caso, senti-me impelido em nao ser mais um "surdo-mudo".
A verdade é que a vida é fodida. Nao é so o Amor como disse miguel esteves cardoso. É tudo fodido. Mas nao é só de agora. Os egipcios tiveram uma vida fodida, os romanos tiveram uma vida fodida, a malta da idade média teve uma vida fodida e hoje em dia, para nao destoar, toda a gente continua a ter uma vida fodida. Os meios de comunicaçao têm fenómenos engraçados. Apesar da podridao total, das ratazanas, das pestes, inquisiçoes e afins, nunca vi/ouvi nenhum relato da idade média em que as pessoas estivessem felizes. Nao haveria, entao, uma unica pessoa feliz na altura ? Será a felicidade uma invençao do séc 21 ? Decididamente, nao! Usando qualquer tipo de raciocinio, deduçao matematica ou simples fé cega para chegar a essa conclusao, nao pode ter sido. Criou-se entao um fenómeno ao longo dos séculos em que, sendo a "merda" limpa de todo o mundo que nos rodeia, nos fizeram convencer que a "merda" estava dentro de nós. Que para sermos felizes tinha-mos de ser exactamente iguais ao "mundo limpo" que a moralidade inter-secular criou. Até a comida começou a ser criada num processo digno de linha de montagem. As batatas sao iguais umas as outras, as cenouras, etc. E após prova, não têm sabor. Nao só não têm sabor como nos foi retirado totalmente a capacidade de apreciar a imperfeiçao. E, numa curta vida de cerca de 70 anos, haverá coisa mais bonita de apreciar do que a imperfeiçao ? Alguém amará o perfeito e matematico movimento de rotaçao dos planetas em relaçao ao Sol ? Nao, e, no entanto, é perfeito.
Neste curto espaço de vida que a vida me permitiu até agora, ja passei por tanta merda como todas as pessoas que ja viveram na historia puderam passar. Mais ou menos, fica ao critério de cada um. Todos os momentos só me permitiram tornar-me uma pessoa melhor, mais entendedora e compreendedora das forças que regem a vida e o ser humano. Mas para isso é preciso vontade, é preciso querer. E esse querer so se constroi se te amares primeiro a ti. Só irás verdadeiramente amar outra pessoa quando te amares a ti mesma.
Nao te peço perdao por me ter intrometido numa discussao que, por razoes obvias, nao me diz respeito. Fi-lo porque quis e porque compreendo na perfeiçao o texto. Percebo-o à minha maneira, que nunca será imparcial porque é a minha. Sei tambem que as palavras nunca servirao de nada ate uma pessoa sentir o seu significado. Logo, estas palavras ficarao, provavelmente, perdidas nos meandros da escuridao que é a internet. Mas eu, ao menos, ja nao me sinto um "surdo-mudo".
Obrigado por partilhares, apesar de, nao fazer a mais absoluta ideia de quem és. Como tal, ver-nos-emos, talvez, numa proxima vida.
Signed: Some one
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