«Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
And there are times
I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when Im not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?»

- John Mayer, Not myself

I don't even know what to say. If there were some sort of equivalent to a CAT scan able to measure suffering in the brain, i'm sure death would be prescribable. I find it hard to believe that anyone on this planet feels the same way i do because why are you still here?
but then i am so it's just another fun paradox.

Once I wanted to be the greatest.

To miss someone.. the empty hole in your heart that aches for someone you love, you need, you want. I guess that’s why it’s so easy to pack up my things and leave, time after painless time. I don’t miss anyone. Maybe my heart is the tainted blue of hypothermia, frozen and numb. I do need and I do want but love is a two-way street, you have to feel needed back, and wanted. Who’s to blame is not the question but people always leave. At least people always leave me. There is an empty hole in my heart that yearns, that aches, but there is nothing but pain in that dead vessel but for its blood pumping. I have long forgotten where the pain came from and long gave up the hope that it would leave, that I would mend. There is only sadness and anger and regret pumping through my veins, keeping me alive, barely. It’s my fault I won’t even give myself the opportunity, the glorified benefit of the doubt. My broken heart is my only companion, the lasting memory of the soul that perished, the one I miss. The little girl who thought she could be the greatest until she discovered that her life would sum up to nothing but mistakes, and as suddenly as she had discovered the world she was gone, crushed beneath the weight of her innocent sins. No one noticed her leave, not until there was no way back. So I nurse my faulty heart with the only shadow that stayed behind, her unblemished hope, but even that grows dark and indistinct and soon too will freeze over. Until perhaps I allow the heat to come close enough to warm me up and melt away all my foolish mistakes and return me to my clarity. And as I cry myself to sleep I pray for the morning I wake up and that little girl looks back at me in the mirror and tells me she’s found her way home.

I am only human and that’s my saving grace.

week and a half itch

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
And I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.

She's running out again,
She's running out
She's run run run running out...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special...

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo,
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here.
I don't belong here.

- creep, radiohead (brandi carlile cover)

maybe this next path will be the right one..

You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won't go away

- sideways, citizen cope


..maybe it'll make these feelings go away