And if it weren't enough that i feel guilty for every mouthful, of even air or thought, i have the added remorse for making my mother worry about the continued absence of my smile. I wrap myself in metaphors and cryptic analogies because its so simple its too close for comfort. I wish i could just spell it out. Scream. SCREAM!
What i don't want to talk about is what makes the best prose and what i do is the best substitute for sleeping pills. Might as well keep my mouth shut. Everything hits at once. I'm hurting. Where's the emergency stop button?

- Turpentine, Brandi Carlisle

gone baby gone

I should never think
What's in your heart
What's in our home
But it's all i want

You'll learn to hate me
But still call me baby
Oh, love
So call me by my name

And save your soul
Save your soul
Before you're too far gone
Before nothing can be done

I've tried deciding when
She'll lie in the end
I ain't got no fight in me
In this whole damn world
Tell you to hold off
You choose to hold on
It's the one thing that I've known

Once I put my coat on
I'm coming out in this all wrong
She's standing outside holding me
Saying, 'Oh, please
I'm in love
I'm in love'

Girl save your soul
Oh save your soul
Before you're too far gone
Before nothing can be done

'Cause without me
You got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on
Without me you got it all
So hold on

- Never think, Robert Pattinson

lighter out of fuel.

What is this i'm doing? If i could only put a word to it. Stupid. Reckless. Pointless. Nothing seems to fit exactly. The consequences, of course, are miserable. And misery itself. Although the latter was already (t)here to begin with. I haven't the strentgh to convince myself i can alter the balance. I feel no control. Distinctly aware, however, that something must be done. Soon. The pain i bring on myself is worse than the one brought upon me. It may just be my weary fight against the numbness. To feel bad is better than nothing at all. I can't truly believe that. Maybe the familiarity of guilt is easier to deal with than that other breaking. Nothing about this is easy.
I don't know what i'm saying. I don't know what i'm doing. All i know, with aching certainty, is that it is doing me no good. It is destroying me. Physically yes. But it is my heart and mind that stretch thin. I can't keep picking up my own pieces. I can't keep making the same mess. Especially to escape a new one. I am not strong. I write in circles. I think in circles. I need this to get easier. I need to be more than this.

I need to not sound so profoundly unoriginal.

- Never think, Robert Pattinson

self-destruction in 5..4..3..2..

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

- Falling slowly, Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova (Once OST)

I forget to breathe and in turn forget how.

I feel (so) foolish. I should know better. Everyone does. Its not my place. I will reduce myself to silence. It may seem quiet here (but) its never been so loud. Even if i dared speak all the words that would accomplish nothing, i wouldn't have enough oxygen to let them out. I'm trapped. My cage fits only one.