I'm sad today. Tonight. A subtle gloom lingered all afternoon and out of nowhere thunder struck. I must have missed the lightening. Shy tears roll down my cheek, streaking my make up, draining my soul. Drowning my heart. I am sad for my own loneliness. I don't think I can pretend anymore. It is all intentional after all. Self-preservation. I wouldn't know how to recognise a risk, let alone take it. With all my efforts to stray from the herd I may just be the most flagrant stereotype. The game is over and I can't find my way out of where I'm hidden. The stillness is torture.

Attempts at a replacement are painfully disappointing. Poor unsuspecting souls. Race lost before the gun shot. What they're lacking is, rather unfairly, that none of them are.. you.

i WANT them..

Too fucking sensible. I can't bring myself to let go of that much money for shoes. Even if they're on sale. Even if they're perfect. Bah Humbug.

There's a lot on my mind but it's late and I'm sleepy.

My heart aches for the people in suffering. Those who've been under my nose the whole time i was too broken to notice and those i never even got to meet. I'm sorry i couldn't ease their pain but now I'm willing to try - whatever i can. I still don't know how to go about it.. but I'm thinking and I'm aware and i won't be that person anymore. I will not be a shitty friend and a flaky stranger. I will not be self-destructive nor pretend i don't know I'm being mistreated. Not anymore. All i ever needed was to be acknowledged and understood, with a small amount of patience and kindness. I knew if i could just find it the load would lessen. It did. It may seem small but it saved me and now its my turn. If anything, I'm understanding. And a sucker for damaged goods.

Enough now. All is forgiven, if not forgotten. We do mend.