Act as if ye have faith and faith will come to you.

FATHER CAVANAUGH
Did you pray?

BARTLET
I did, Tom. I know it’s hard to believe, but I prayed for wisdom.

FATHER CAVANAUGH
And none came?

BARTLET
It never has. And I’m a little pissed off about that.
I’m not kidding.

FATHER CAVANAUGH
You know, you remind me of the man that lived by the river. He heard a radio report
that the river was going to rush up and flood the town. And that all the residents
should evacuate their homes. But the man said, “I’m religious. I pray. God loves me.
God will save me.” The waters rose up. A guy in a row boat came along and he shouted,
“Hey, hey you! You in there. The town is flooding. Let me take you to safety.” But the
man shouted back, “I’m religious. I pray. God loves me. God will save me.” A helicopter
was hovering overhead. And a guy with a megaphone shouted, “Hey you, you down there.
The town is flooding. Let me drop this ladder and I’ll take you to safety.” But the
man shouted back that he was religious, that he prayed, that God loved him and that
God will take him to safety. Well... the man drowned. And standing at the gates of
St. Peter, he demanded an audience with God. “Lord,” he said, “I’m a religious man,
I pray. I thought you loved me. Why did this happen?” God said, “I sent you a radio
report, a helicopter, and a guy in a rowboat. What the hell are you doing here?”

- The West Wing, S1E14

I haven't been to mass in a year. I decided that for me to be suffering like this i was either being punished or God couldn't possibly exist. I couldn't find a rational reason for punishment but of course i couldn't turn of my Faith. I decided that if God ignored me it was because he didn't love me so i would ignore him with the naive logic of a narcisist projecting a human-like God that would be upset that insignificant little me was turning her back on him. Now i do feel like i deserve to be punished but i don't believe He would do so. I wonder why it is easier to lose faith in humanity, living and breathing truth in everyday life, than to shake off the influence of an idea passed along by our religious community and the entities in charge of our education. I am not inviting a theological debate, i don't need convincing of whether or not God exists, i believe it without needing anyone else to agree with me, i just wish (again for my own self-centered sake) that i didn't, only because i think it would make my life easier, but i am probabaly wrong. I find myself feeling guilty for trying not to believe in Him and shouting in my heart « I hate You! I hate You so much i don't believe in You anymore!» but the irony and paradox of such a statement is painfully obvious. It occurs to me that while i concentrate all my energy on proving my suffering, punishing myself for my mistakes and harboring grudges nad regrets, i fail to acknowledge the good that permeates my journey on this earth, however trifle it may seem to me, and furthermore, if i weren't so afraid that giving in to a moment of satisfaction would make me lose my place as the victim of all which has befallen me, i might notice more than what goes on inside my wounded heart and find in the world that i share with others, some form of divine intervention, not a miracle but a spiritual nudge in the right direction. I am stubborn and i am proud and i don't want to lose this fight against Him, but it seems trivial to battle on when i have more to lose in doing so than in continuing to hope, as so many do, that someone is up there and He can help, if only we are willing to let him. Maybe the world is only a petri dish for random caos and if that is the case i wouldn't feel guilt and sorrow at having abandoned or dissapointed or merely failed to recognise the importance of so many people who have come to me and tried to save me or simply ease my pain but i do and to me that means that those people had a purpose, a covert mission as guardian angels. So if there is in fact purpose to this life we lead Faith is - No, my Faith is accepting and believing that God is responsible for what would otherwise be called coincidence. I don't believe in coincidence, i believe in cause and effect, action-reaction, and i choose to believe that God sends us radio reports, helicopters and guys in rowing boats. In retrospect, i am sure i have missed many an opportunity but i have not yet drowned. Tonight i will pray, i will try, which is more than i have done in a long time, and i may feel frustrated and lonely and still ignored and i may even shout «I hate You! I hate You!» but i won't pretend not to believe when i can't even fool myself.